Good job crafting a story with a very clear sense of conflict and tension, combined with loss. You do a good job of using precise diction.
The description of the setting in this piece is on the lighter-side; you’re using the characters to illuminate the place.
I loved getting to know David and his run to the police station. It tells us so much about him, the town, everything else going on. SD
Good job of tying everything together about the two characters and by this point, I have established in my mind who Officers Audu and Orile are. AJ
· Love this: The imagery, care taken symbolized by the imagery “raw brown eggs” – eggs being delicate and brown ones being even much rarer; I Love This Entire Imagery and dynamic portrayed here with Obi Udara’s family.
· I read the first chapter and really appreciate the detail, description, and desperation that is in the run of David to the police station. I look forward to reading the entire book. –CM
· I think more dialogue should occur between Emelda and Florence.
· Regarding pacing, you could reduce how much time is spent on Emelda’s beauty.
· Duplicate words slow down the pacing.
· I would like to stay a little longer in Emelda and Obi’s bedroom when the shirt fell.
· This is a great example of Showing us how the character feels about his family vs. telling us.–Ousmane
· I have been hooked and pulled into this “world” of these characters. I am intrigued and want to read more.
· The elegance of your writing, the synchronicities of each detail weaving into the next, seamlessly. I loved reading this; and again, I want more.
Your attention to detail is impressive!
The intricate personal traits you gave regarding Emelda, and the other characters, remind me of Flannery O’Connor’s work. When the narrator dipped into Emelda and Florence’s heads in a third-person omniscient, which is an older style, that is also in tune with O’Connor’s writing.–Deb
I feel like your story was something like Brave New World by Aldous Huxley because of your unusual word-smithing and “the women wanting to join the police force.” You have created so many lexicons and phrases. Is this the future?
The work reads beautifully.
· Wow – there is so much elegance in your writing here (and throughout the piece). This section gives me a solid sense of Emelda’s character. I have a strong…bond with her character due to the care taken in describing her in this passage.
· We, the readers, are learning so much about Emelda here – about her perfect mixture of class and humility. Wow. This is great writing. Thank you!
“The prose is fluid, lush, and vivid throughout. You have a good sense of rhythm and the dialogue flows naturally throughout. There’s also a strong sense of tension and conflict in the piece, which engages the reader and propels them to continue with the story.” SD
· I love the way you wrap so many insights into your language, giving us the customs, fears, and hopes of the people in this country, not just the main characters. Really lovely piece. Excellent work. –SC
You have a wonderful lyrical and almost mystical quality in your work. Your work reminds me of Jhumpa Lahiri; Lydia Yuknavich; Amy Bloom; Isabel Alledne; Elena Ferrante; and magical realists like Bolano and Gabriel Garcia Marquez.” Sarah S.
Using an emotional physical space like a kitchen to do the work of revealing character, plot, tension and setting is so difficult, but you do it effortlessly.
· Compelling characters and plot!
· You have a real sense of symbolism in this piece, and reading it, it occurred to me that this is really your strength in terms of atmosphere, tone, and mood. Your work always has an undercurrent to what’s happening on the surface, which is one of the strongest ways to establish symbolism without making it seem clichéd or forced. JG
· Very strong work, attention to detail, and diction.